Kane Loves Lynch: Episode 2
by gpakevin
Summary: Kane takes Lynch Christmas shopping.


KANE LOVES LYNCH Episode 2

_Birds are chirping outside; we zoom in first on Lynch's name on his headboard, next to which Lynch is snoring loudly. The camera pans to Kane's headboard, also with his name. Kane's alarm goes off; it's a rather maudlin symphony as the radio comes on._

KANE

[Crying, moaning a little

I've let you all down... so many times...

LYNCH

[Awaking with a snort

Gnuh! Not this fuckin' shit again, Kane. You're like a goddamn... goth kid or somethin'.

KANE

Don't talk to me, Lynch, just do what I fuckin' tell you.

LYNCH

Okay, you arrogant prick. What the fuck are we doing today? You got another list for me?

KANE

No, Lynch; you fucked that up bad. I had to quit my job so I can babysit you. The first thing you're going to do this morning is fill out a survey, make five dollars.

LYNCH

[Putting on his glasses

A what?

KANE

A survey. You answer questions.

LYNCH

I'm not so good at answerin' questions, I have a bad fuckin' memory.

KANE

After that, we're going to go Christmas shopping.

LYNCH

My wife always wanted to go to the mall at Christmas Time, she says it's beautiful.

KANE

It's not.

[Interior - Kane's Office - Morning

KANE

Lynch, sit here, and just answer the questions.

_Kane leaves the room._

LYNCH

Okay, first question: Have you purchased any of these products in the last month? Embalming fluid, check! Duct tape... check! Meth lab parts... check! Condoms... what the hell are those? Hey Kane, what's a condom?

KANE

[shouting from another room

A rubber... for the ladies.

LYNCH

Oh, that. Don't need those... dead girls don't complain. Heh heh heh...

_The audience boos loudly._

LYNCH

Oh, I don't have to listen to your shit! I may have my issues, but you're getting paid to clap and laugh when a sign goes off!

EXTREMELY GAY MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER

Well, you're getting paid to fill out surveys, buster!

_The audience applauds._

LYNCH

Hey, I tried to start a business... that's more than you can say! So fuck you!

_Lynch hurls the computer monitor at the man, and his head is embedded in the broken screen as glass and sparks fly everywhere. The audience looks shocked, but Lynch leers at them and they clap._

LYNCH

That's more fuckin' like it!

[Interior - Den - Morning

LYNCH

[Entering the room

Kane, your computer doesn't work!

KANE

I'll look at it later. Let's go shopping.

LYNCH

Oh, you're so fucking full of yourself!

KANE

What are you talking about?

LYNCH

I'm still in charge, fucker. You still listen to me!

KANE

Aw, take some of your goddamn pills!

LYNCH

I took the last one rectally a few minutes ago, didn't work. Let's go shopping, Kane. I wanna get some Christmas shit together!

[Exterior - Mall Parking Lot - Early Afternoon

KANE

[climbing out of a black SUV

Okay Lynch; you've got a twenty dollar spending limit.

LYNCH

I was hopin' to buy some real estate!

KANE

Lynch, you don't buy real estate at the mall. Can you even spell "real estate?"

LYNCH

R... O...

KANE

Forget it. Let's just get this over with.

[Interior - Mall - Toy Store

LYNCH

Goddamn Kane... droppin' me off at the toy store! What's an adult supposed to buy here, or don't you know?

KID

Huh?

LYNCH

Maybe I'm not an adult... maybe I'm a kid too! Yeah, that explains it!

KID

You're weird, mister.

LYNCH

I may have my issues, but...

STORE MANAGER

Sir, I'm going to have to ask you leave immediately. We don't want any trouble.

LYNCH

I'm tired of us kids gettin' pushed around! Who's with me?

KIDS

[in unison

Yeah!!!

_The kids begin causing chaos in the store; a giant tree is tipped over, an aisle of dolls is set on fire, and the employees flee the shop._

LYNCH

Yeah! Now let's trash the Macy's next door!

KID

Lynch, we need a break!

LYNCH

Well, you can't have one! I promise, today, we topple the mall. And I already have your reward. In my PANTS!

_The audience gasps._

LYNCH

What? I got 'em these!

_Lynch pulls several lollipops out of his pocket._

KANE

[entering the store

Lynch, you didn't even buy anything? Why?

LYNCH

It's better to receive than to give, fucker.

KANE

You gotta take something at least.

LYNCH

Okay, I got the perfect gift! For your daughter.

[Interior - Kane and Lynch's apartment - evening

_The radio plays christmas music as Kane and Lynch are propping something up in their den._

KANE

Okay, put the star you took up there.

LYNCH

[grunting

Yeah! That looks great!

_The camera zooms in on Jenny's corpse propped up in the corner of the room, her face pointed upwards with a star stuck in her mouth. Kane and Lynch step in the way of the camera with their arms over each others' shoulders, looking in to the camera._

LYNCH

Merry fuckin' Christmas!

KANE

Yeah, Merry Christmas from Kane and Lynch, and all the rest of the team here at CBS. Lynch, can you spell Christmas?

LYNCH

C... R... M... S... O... P.

KANE

Curmsop, exactly. Happy Holidays, everyone!

_The camera starts outside the window where Kane and Lynch are waving, and zooms back and in the snowy sky._


End file.
